It’s interesting how I shy away from my own confidence because I valued being accepted then embracing myself. It’s sad that I allowed the acceptance of others to dictate what confidence I should have. Why? Because it is easier to know that part of me was/is accepted. I didn’t have to figure out subliminal messages. I am not the best at figuring out flat jokes, undertone, “mean girl/guy” communication or if someone is using “it” against me because I’m unaware. However, I found out the hard way that I created a me I didn’t love.
I found out I was short changing my greatness for someone else’s comfort and my inability to embrace, learn and love me. I was recreating a new me based on others, over extending myself for someone to include me. So I prayed to the Lord to expose and reveal who I am and who is my inner circle community.
This process sucks!!! The pruning process is brutal!!!! I had to let go of people that I didn’t know who were socially/emotionally harming me. I had to paradigm shift my thinking. I had to trust in hope when I didn’t see my own faith. I was going thru one heartache after another; one drama to the next; when it rained it just didn’t pour it was a dang tsaumni hit my whole life. I didn’t see the rainbow, nothing looked, felt or was the same.
I still feel it to this day. There is something about the struggle, the hustle, the pain… the grind is unforgettable. Without the tears, mistakes and lessons… I have to say, it would be diffcult for me to have confidence in myself today.
It is strange to me that some friends, family coworkers will have more confidence in me than I did myself!!!! I could not connect to their confidence and/or their confidence in me because I did not see it, feel it, know it or even knew what it was in me. It was this “odd” thing that people put their trust in me for projects and financial decisions etc because they were confident I would deliver. I delivered, but I was not confident in it… my work, grad school etc… I felt inadequate although they said it was “great”, “good” or ” more than what I expected.” Well… I did not… or I “knew” it wasn’t good but I did not argue, I agreed with what they said. I thought they were trying to be nice. But I soon learned that this part of my life… that oddness I felt was my confidence breaking thru!
As the saying goes, its better to humble yourself than have the Lord do it. So as I shared, I am not the best at seeing subliminal messaging… so I appreciate the Lord using all forms of communication to get my attention.
May 15th, I did something I thought I would never do… I cussed out my check. I literally was mad at myself for not knowing my worth… for not negotiating my salary… for feeling so in adequate. I didn’t know where all of this was coming from. It was a bunch of mix emotions that didn’t make sense, from past to present. But I just prayed for answers.
So that week I had a meeting with Leslie Brown. She’s not only an awesome coach, she is an incredible coworker & genuine friend. I told her I was not happy with myself; I felt inadequate.
Through our conversation she asked me, what is your worth? What is your value? What are your no’s? I honestly did not know. My values, worth and no’s were others perceptions and opinions of me. So I incorporated as it was my own. When in actuality, it wasn’t mines.
I left Leslie feeling meh. I was so scared because the last time had confidence … tooooooooo many people were showing their true colors and I lost everything. It was a ton of fear to go through it again. So the Lord gave me another opportunity to reconsider.
I went to church on Sunday, behold a message from our guest speaker, Pastor Robert Lyons of Refreshing Fountain COGIC on Weeds.
Notes Written By: Pastor Ulysses Stephen King, Jr.
“There are two lessons that we must learn from Israel. Lesson one: Examine where you are and remember how you got there. Israel forgot that Egypt was not their home. Lesson two: God has chosen and authorized the path that will lead us out. In other words, confronting detours, roadblocks, and dead-end streets (weeds) is an important part of going in the right direction. Obstacles, difficulties, and trials (weeds) are an important part of going in the right direction. Pastor Lyons let us know that there is something STRONG in us that will come alive only when trouble comes. There is something in us that will not be manifested until the war begins. But that’s part of the path that will lead you out.”
I held onto worthlessness and inadequacies as I was nursing a baby. I took care of them. Checked in and even gave them an apartment in my thoughts to live. I held onto them as my security blanket. They protected me from rejection and being disappointed by others. This was so real that it had affected how I made decisions. It affected my personal and professional growth.
So that day… I did an intercession prayer on myself … I pulled up and binded all inadequacies and worthlessness weeds that were affected my whole being and loose the power of God to transform my thoughts and habits… and gave birth to my confidence with sweat and hecka tears. #Jesusonthemainline
It is now making more sense, that my tea is not for everybody. My flavor may not be your liking. Just because you don’t like my flavor doesn’t mean I’m not worthy. Although I may not fit in, I am glad my confidence puts me where I need to be. #sippintea
Hugs & love!